Elder Nelson and Kind Parenting

Elder Russell M. Nelson
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Elder Nelson spoke about salvation and exaltation. He spoke specifically about how to correct our children when they err. He said to rebuke in private, not in public. He said to rebuke lovingly. “Don’t control your children, listen to them.” This is our Heavenly Father’s plan. In discussion, my wife mentioned that popular parenting methods are actually Satan’s plan: “You do what I said now, because I’m your parent!” Not allowing personal growth, this type of parenting sets young people up for failure.

How I wish that more people would parent in a kind way. Gentle discipline and attachment parenting seem to me to be along the lines of the gospel far more than the mainstream parenting style. My wife and I often speak of how we parent and how we want to parent. We are imperfect, and we're learning. We're just trying to learn the right habits now, including thinking of how we felt as children, and how our children may feel about certain actions that we, as parents, may take. Discipline is a learned attribute, not a verb. When it becomes a verb, it is almost always used inappropriately. The moment is not used as a teaching moment, but just for punishment. Punishment is dealt by the Lord at the end of things, after a learned lesson is rebelled against, not during the learning moment.

During our learning stages, the Lord corrects, and sometimes very directly. D&C 121:43: "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy". Too many times, we interpret the word "sharpness" to be "harshness." In Spanish, the word is "severity," yet there is a footnote that makes this better understood: "that is, with clarity and strictness." Strictness does not imply harshness. It implies devoted obedience and rigorous attention. Someone once said that sharpness and clarity denote makng clear to the child what the correct picture of things should be. Again, sharpness does not denote harshness.

When my parents were harsh with me, I was unable to learn whatever lesson they wanted me to learn. I would eventually learn the lesson, but that learning came when they explained later, when they were calm, what they really wanted me to learn. The calm moments were the real teaching moments I profited from.